Valentine's Day

Had a wonderful valentines weekend. Jared and I went to the Japanese Steak for dinner last night. Always a win. The kids surprised me with my favorite ... chocolate covered strawberries. They also decorated cookies with the babysitter. Cookies are another favorite. Today I decided to spend a little one on one time with each of my little valentines. We called it a "stay-date" since we stayed home instead of going out. They each picked an hour. My first "stay-date" was with Savannah. She pulled out Grandmother's tea set and we gossiped about princesses and the nearby kingdom for an hour while snacking on a scrumptious meal provided by her handsome servent (aka daddy). The next hour was spent with Rex. He taught me how to make a D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) character. He read from his D&D character manual while I typed his instructions. It was interesting and fun to create and envision a new character for his upcoming birthday party D&D game. The third hour was spent with Zachery cuddling and watching power rangers and finishing the hour with a game of Parcheesi. I felt very happy after my three straight hours of play. It was nice to forget about everything else. Ignore the need tos and focus on the more important quality time I frequently miss out on. I need to do these "stay-dates" more often. 

Looking Straight ahead not Sideways

This morning I have been reminded of prayer, personal revelation, and eyes focused on the Lord. 

Carter has been waking me up between the hours of 4 and 5 am. He goes back to sleep quickly after his lost binkie is found. I on the other hand get up knowing my alarm will go off soon anyway. Being Saturday I was hoping to go back to sleep, but couldn't. So I got up and forced myself into a morning routine of prayer and scripture study. 

This morning I have realized my routine hasn't been as uplifting as it once was. This past week my prayers have been out of habit. My study was lost to distractions. Looking back I know that this was the roots of my tough week. 

This morning I tried a little harder. I started out of habit but pushed myself to dig a little deeper and try a little harder. And even though my extra effort of minimal, I was still taught!! I almost missed it because it was so simple, quiet, so basic, so sweet. 

God truly is there waiting for us to come to Him, to teach us, to direct us, to guide us in our daily battles even the tiniest of battles. He is there. 

So this morning my mind was cloudy, tired, lost of direction. I read Mosiah 2. The beginning of King Benjamin's address to his people. I was taught 3 things to help guide my direction. 

Family is number one (the people stayed in tents as families to hear the words of the prophet. They didn't mingle with friends. They worshiped and discussed their teachings as family and extended family) 

Focus on Christ and the words of prophets (the people's tents were facing in one direction, with one purpose. They weren't looking around for other instructions. They were focused straight ahead towards the voice of the prophet.)

Write and share (there were so many at this event. Not everyone could hear. The prophet's words were written and passed from tent to tent so everyone could learn and have access to the message.) 

I get giddy when things click. In my tiredness and drifting mind I almost missed the teaching. It was just a story but as I fought for clarity I picked up on the subtleness of the spirit trying to teach me to keep my focus on my family and Christ words. Write down what I am taught and never stop sharing. 

Blog Resurrection

Not sure if this will stick. I am always full of ideas that I start and never follow through with. I hope to change that. I hope this time will be different and a little therapeutic.
Blogging in the past was all about socializing. I enjoyed sharing our family's journey whether it was a trip of some sort or a daily milestone. I not only wanted to document our happenings but I wanted to paint a picture of a perfect life. Blogging was a place to create that perfect life on paper (or screen) knowing full well we weren't prefect.
Life got busy, I got behind on blogging. I could blame it on the busy life but I think really I felt drained in trying to keep up with show. I stopped posting because I felt I needed pictures. My pictures weren't perfect, and couldn't find the daunting time to go through and edit them all. My kids needed me to get off the screen and join their world. I tired to do both, but I got behind and never could seem to catch up. I felt I couldn't blog today's moments because I didn't blog yesterday's, last week's, last month's, etc. Facebook soon became my new outlet. It was quicker and easier.
But over the years, I have found I have been sucked into that painting of perfectionism and at times it engulfs me in depression. I want out. I need out. I have all these thoughts spinning in my head. So many pulls. I have been trying to figure out my place and over the last few weeks I have thought about just sitting down and writing it all out. Getting my thoughts on the page. Maybe something will break loose from the mud and bring me some sort of clarity.
I entertained the thoughts of a new blog, but it didn't feel right. I have tired that before with an agenda towards world success. I thought about a more private written journal. But I hate my handwriting. My hand cramps when holding the pen too long and my spelling is awful. I adore spell check. My thoughts kept turning to resurrection. I already had a blog for my personal thoughts, for my family's adventures so why not bring it back to life. Not sure who may be reading this. I think it is linked to send to certain inboxes. I can't remember where to adjust that. I may find it in time. But it doesn't matter who is reading it. This is my blank canvas. I am writing now for me and only me (well also for those 4 unattached pieces of me that wonder this world).

So to catch up real quick and get back on track. Rex (not RJ anymore) is now 11 and will soon be 12 in another month. I can hardly believe that. It has been a blur. Savannah is still my beautiful little girl at 9 who will soon be 10 once summer hits. How crazy is that! (My kids hate that I always look to their future birthday. "Mom I am only 9, I won't be 10 for 6 more moths!" For some reason looking ahead and thinking them a year older softens the blow once their birthday does come around).  Zachery is my wild child at 6 going on 7 in a few months. He keeps our home active. And my little caboose is now 2 and stubborn as ever. (I haven't been able to make him a year older in my head yet. Maybe that is the sign of wanting my baby to stay a baby).
We are now in Eastern Washington and have been for the last 7 months. It has been an adjustment. I have very comfortable in Virginia. I loved it and knew my place. I had a routine. I had a hectic schedule. We were always on the go. We were involved. This move has slowed me down. It was wonderful at first. I needed a break and enjoyed the break. But now after 7 months I am lost. (Maybe it is just the winter blues talking). But either way, I don't know my place in this new world and I am uncomfortable. I know it has only been 7 months and I need to give it time. I get that. But I still struggle and miss my old life at times.
I am trying to just slow down and be a wife and mother and focus on just that. I saw a quote the other day that read "Be famous in your own home." It hit me. I want that. I don't know how to achieve that yet but I wrote down my top 5 priorities to help ground me and focus me. 1. Jared, 2. Rex, 3. Savannah, 4. Zachery, and 5. Carter. And so I guess this new blog journal is for them as well as me. I have thoughts to sifts through. Dreams to conquer and people to teach. And I need to find my place and rejoice in it.  I hope by journaling it can all be achieved and one day my kids will look to me as someone who has it figured out, even if I don't.

Carter Lyman Wight

Boys names are always hard, I have a list of girls names I love but I can never find a boy name that I absolutely love. Throughout the past nine months I had a list that was always changing. I would like a name for a week or two and then not like it anymore. Names that grew on me, Jared vetoed. Names that he suggested, I vetoed. Naming a baby is hard.

Back in August we went to the Temple. The last name of the lady I was doing work for was Carter. It stood out to me. I remembered that we had thought of that name as we were naming RJ. He was almost Carter Jared and we were going to name him CJ. Once in the Celestial Room, I asked Jared what he thought of Carter, he liked it. At home we mentioned it to the kids. They all liked it. As the weeks went on I started having second thoughts. I returned to my list of names, But everyone was set on Carter, they wouldn't accept any other name I came up with. As the days got closer to my due date, Carter started growing on me again and so I gave in to the decision and stuck with it.

Now for a middle name. RJ discovered that both his and Zachery's middle name started with a J and so was determined that we come up with a J name. I reminded them that both boys were named after their Great Grandfathers (Rex and James). And so we looked at family names. There was a Joseph on my mother's side, but I knew nothing about him and wasn't sure I liked the name. The kids liked the name Jacob but it wasn't family. We were trying to decided if we should go the J route or the family name route or just pick a name.

Back in June we visited Ohio and made a trip to Kirtland where we learned a lot about LDS church history and a little bit more of an ancestor named Lyman Wight. We knew Jared was a decent of his, we knew he was an apostle during the early church, we knew he was chastised in the scriptures, and we knew he was excommunicated following Joseph Smith's death. But that is all we really knew of the man until we went Kirtland. We walked some of the paths he walked, we stood close to the area that he preached in, and saw from a distant the river he was baptized in. We learned that he had a vision of the Savior, we discovered his strong testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored Gospel. We learned about is strong character of self sacrifice and all he did to help move the work forward during times of trouble and tribulations. We had a biography on our shelf of his for many years and and after that trip we read it and enjoyed learning about his life, his character, and his devoted friendship and service to the Prophet Joseph Smith. We decided that if we were to pick a Grandfather to name Carter after, it should be Lyman. He had a rich history of standing up for what he believed in no matter what the cost.

An so that is the story of naming our fourth son on to his birthing story.

I have been induced using Pitocin with my first three babies. I also had an epidural with the first three. The medicine wore off with RJ and there wasn't time to inject more when it was time to push. I remember the pain, I remember having a hard time breathing and being put on oxygen because his heart rate was dropping a little. I remember them having to suction him out and I remember not wanting to hold him right away because I was still feeling so much pain. Savannah was easy, I didn't feel a thing and I couldn't wait to get my hands on her. I don't remember much of Zachery's delivery other then my body started contracting on its own a week past his due date and then stopped once at the hospital and so the Pitocin was given after my epidural was already administered. All three were born in Idaho. Here in Virginia, every doctor said they would not induce me unless I was past two weeks due. I didn't like that idea. Thinking my body couldn't do it with out the Pitocin and I didn't want to wait two extra weeks. My mom was flying in and could only be here a short time. I needed to have the baby while she was here. I found a doctor that agreed to induce me, so we scheduled it four days after my due date in hopes my body would go on its own. I tired everything, to get labor started. Nothing happened.

I was scheduled to call the hospital at 6am on Sunday, Nov. 3rd to be told what time to come in for an induction that day. But at 2am I woke up with contractions. They continued every five minutes for two hours. I woke Jared up at 4 and said lets go. I think I was only admitted because I was already scheduled to be induced. I was still only 3cm, which I had been at for three weeks. My doctor wasn't on call till 7am. But the nurses got me settled and waited. The contractions slowed down. Once my doctor arrived I had him break my water at 8am. I asked that I try and see if my body would do what it was supposed to do without  medicine for a few hours before we resorted to the Pitocin and the epidural. The contractions continued to slow down. And so we walked the halls and bounced on the ball. Things started to pick up and Jared learned of a pressure point between the web of the thumb and pointer finger. We tried it and within minutes the contraction became intense. We walked some more and things got harder. I couldn't handle it and asked for my epidural. The nurses came and tried to get fluid in my IV but had trouble and as they worked on it the contraction got intense. I was finally check and was at a 6. It was about noon and I could feel the pressure. I knew it was too late even before my nurse said it was. I was going to do this naturally.

I learned that I am a screamer. I close my eyes to pain, I can't look ( I have always done this, but it just became apparent to me).  Once Carter was born the doctor told me I can open my eyes and look. It still took me some time to open my eyes, as the pain was still real. I have to be put on oxygen because of low blood pressure. And I can't form words, just scream with the pain. Jared learned that I not only can squeeze his hand off, but I can also squeeze his nipples off. Apparently my hand reached up and grabbed his chest during a contraction, he didn't like that very much. But he had to endure the pain as well. I learned that I do not like birthing without an epidural. I was tired and achy and wasn't ready to hold the baby when he appeared. I am glad that I only had to push three or four times and it was only an intense half hour because I don't think I could have handled more. The last little bit I thought I was going to die, I was having a hard time breathing and I understand how women do die during childbirth. I learned that I thought the drugs wore off with RJ but I now realize that there was still some in me then. This time around hurt far worse then any other time. I learned what real child birth feels like and that my body can indeed do it on it's own. I just need to learn a little more patience.  But even though it was not fun at the time, the recovery has been better.

Carter was born on November 3rd at 12:30 pm and weighed 7 lbs 11 oz. I am grateful I was able to experience the birth. Not sure, I want to do it again. But I am grateful to say that I have done it and I understand the sacrifice of the women before me better then I understood it before. I see the miracle of birth more clearly then I saw it before. I am grateful for it. I am grateful for a healthy baby boy who is by far the best baby I have had. He has been a great sleeper and predicable eater. We all love him and the kids adorable having a baby around the house. Looking forward to teaching this newest spirit and watching him grow and mature. Can't wait to see what life has in store for our little Cater Lyman Wight.

Cute kid

Me: finish your ice cream before you come inside
Zachery: I did, it's gone. I shared it with the sun. Now the sun is happy and I'm happy, cause it's nice to share

Zachery: twilight ( our cat) is almost my age!
Savannah: no she's not, she is 1 and you are 4!
Zachery: yes, she is! I can stand her up like a human and she is almost as big as me!
Savannah: oh Zac, you are so silly
Zachery: no I'm not, I'm cool! Because I a 4, duh!