Not sure if this will stick. I am always full of ideas that I start and never follow through with. I hope to change that. I hope this time will be different and a little therapeutic.
Blogging in the past was all about socializing. I enjoyed sharing our family's journey whether it was a trip of some sort or a daily milestone. I not only wanted to document our happenings but I wanted to paint a picture of a perfect life. Blogging was a place to create that perfect life on paper (or screen) knowing full well we weren't prefect.
Life got busy, I got behind on blogging. I could blame it on the busy life but I think really I felt drained in trying to keep up with show. I stopped posting because I felt I needed pictures. My pictures weren't perfect, and couldn't find the daunting time to go through and edit them all. My kids needed me to get off the screen and join their world. I tired to do both, but I got behind and never could seem to catch up. I felt I couldn't blog today's moments because I didn't blog yesterday's, last week's, last month's, etc. Facebook soon became my new outlet. It was quicker and easier.
But over the years, I have found I have been sucked into that painting of perfectionism and at times it engulfs me in depression. I want out. I need out. I have all these thoughts spinning in my head. So many pulls. I have been trying to figure out my place and over the last few weeks I have thought about just sitting down and writing it all out. Getting my thoughts on the page. Maybe something will break loose from the mud and bring me some sort of clarity.
I entertained the thoughts of a new blog, but it didn't feel right. I have tired that before with an agenda towards world success. I thought about a more private written journal. But I hate my handwriting. My hand cramps when holding the pen too long and my spelling is awful. I adore spell check. My thoughts kept turning to resurrection. I already had a blog for my personal thoughts, for my family's adventures so why not bring it back to life. Not sure who may be reading this. I think it is linked to send to certain inboxes. I can't remember where to adjust that. I may find it in time. But it doesn't matter who is reading it. This is my blank canvas. I am writing now for me and only me (well also for those 4 unattached pieces of me that wonder this world).
So to catch up real quick and get back on track. Rex (not RJ anymore) is now 11 and will soon be 12 in another month. I can hardly believe that. It has been a blur. Savannah is still my beautiful little girl at 9 who will soon be 10 once summer hits. How crazy is that! (My kids hate that I always look to their future birthday. "Mom I am only 9, I won't be 10 for 6 more moths!" For some reason looking ahead and thinking them a year older softens the blow once their birthday does come around). Zachery is my wild child at 6 going on 7 in a few months. He keeps our home active. And my little caboose is now 2 and stubborn as ever. (I haven't been able to make him a year older in my head yet. Maybe that is the sign of wanting my baby to stay a baby).
We are now in Eastern Washington and have been for the last 7 months. It has been an adjustment. I have very comfortable in Virginia. I loved it and knew my place. I had a routine. I had a hectic schedule. We were always on the go. We were involved. This move has slowed me down. It was wonderful at first. I needed a break and enjoyed the break. But now after 7 months I am lost. (Maybe it is just the winter blues talking). But either way, I don't know my place in this new world and I am uncomfortable. I know it has only been 7 months and I need to give it time. I get that. But I still struggle and miss my old life at times.
I am trying to just slow down and be a wife and mother and focus on just that. I saw a quote the other day that read "Be famous in your own home." It hit me. I want that. I don't know how to achieve that yet but I wrote down my top 5 priorities to help ground me and focus me. 1. Jared, 2. Rex, 3. Savannah, 4. Zachery, and 5. Carter. And so I guess this new blog journal is for them as well as me. I have thoughts to sifts through. Dreams to conquer and people to teach. And I need to find my place and rejoice in it. I hope by journaling it can all be achieved and one day my kids will look to me as someone who has it figured out, even if I don't.